KaraUke, 21st July

KaraUke was a little shambolic but I think that’s part of its charm. No formal screens with the words lighting up as you go for KaraUke. Not even printed sheets of paper to sing along with a la Hip Hop Karaoke or Reggaeoke. No, you can hold an iPad and sing along to that, while the words are put up on a screen behind you so the audience can sing along, but the entire song is displayed at once which makes the words rather difficult to see.

I was also surprised that the ukulele band was in fact a proper band – not only were there several uke players but there was a bass guitar and a drum set. I was a little disappointed at first as it wasn’t quite as quaint as I was expecting but it was pretty cool to have a full band supporting you and made for a rounder sound.

They hold karaoke on the Tamesis Dock which has to be one of the quirkier pubs/venues around – a permanently moored boat decorated in a lively manner. In fact, I was chatting to a friend of the band and she said none of them live anywhere near it but they love it too much to switch to a different venue. The karaoke is held in the belly of the boat which made for a slightly stifling evening but it didn’t seem to mar people’s enjoyment.

There are no prizes but every performer gets a badge.There’s clearly a few regulars as jokes were made about the number of badges ‘Pete’ had accumulated and whether he could make it through the entire song menu in a year. That would be quite a feat but not as daunting as you might think as it’s limited to about 50 songs. There are a few classics and also songs they clearly just like (Tenacious D has two songs on there which you don’t find in most karaoke songbooks). The opening singer for tonight delved right in with one of these actually – Fuck her gently. In fact, thinking about it, there was quite a lot of swearing in the evening. That one... I did Creep... and another girl did Fuck you by Ceelo. It’s that kind of crowd.

They do two sets which have 9 singers each and while they’re not short on volunteers this seems about right and a few people were even able to sing twice. Quality was… variable… but  your own backing singer is there to help anyone out and carry the tune if it ever falls off a cliff. Everyone is encouraged to sing along and many people were dancing around too.

And all this for FREE!! Of course, they do very much appreciate donations and dedicate a bit of time sending round the ‘begging bowl’ as they do have rehearsal space and expenses and tings to deal with. Any monies they receive are well deserved.

Club Pedestal, 30th July

I’m a firm believer in trying most things once and so, even though I wouldn’t in any way describe myself as a ‘Dom’ in the fetish scene, I wanted to see what Club Pedestal was all about. It describes itself as a club ‘for dominant women and those who worship them’ and even if you’re not into the kinky scene at all, being worshipped has got to sound pretty appealing!

Women can wear what they like, men are supposed to dress as if they are there to serve women – if they haven’t dressed up especially then at the very least they need to wear a collar.

I wasn’t sure what to expect beyond the usual play area that such nights have. I knew there was a cabaret show and it’s held at Fire so there would likely be dancing. I know one of the guys involved in it and had been reassured it was a very friendly event. And it was. I had one of the best nights ever there – just being in a setting where women are in charge was incredibly empowering and liberating. I didn’t expect to feel that way but I did and I can’t wait to go back.

We arrived around 10:30. I had thought we had missed the newbie tour they do every time but luckily we got there just before it started off. There are only three rooms so if you haven’t been before and you miss it, it’s no big deal but it was nice to get an overview of the different areas and what to expect, when. The main room is a general area for hanging out but also contains the quite impressive trample frame, where willing subs can line up and allow women to literally walk all over them. Balance is aided by ropes attached to the frame to hold onto. An excellent idea and I made full use of this in my knee-high boots with killer heels.

To the right is the room where the cabaret happens and then the seats are cleared away for a dance floor. After the cabaret they also have a best dressed male competition – happy to say one of my number made it into the final head to head. A bottle of champagne is on offer for the winner.

To the left of the main room is the Goddess room, where women are absolutely in charge. Men may not sit down ever, and they may not even speak unless given permission. I had quite a few guys with me who weren’t submissive in their nature but they fully got on board with the ethos and, I think, enjoyed to a certain degree being able to give up their yoke of feeling like they have to do all the ‘work’.

All the women who went were big fans, so in general it was a massive success. It might push you slightly out of your comfort zone to see the different degrees of subservience – as a woman, expect your feet to be pounced on any time you sit down (with your permission of course), and you may receive the odd request. But you are always, always, free to say no and that goes for the men too – it was stressed that no one should feel under any pressure either way to do anything they didn’t feel comfortable with. So go, and you might discover something you ARE comfortable with that you hadn’t explored before! Otherwise, there is no pressure at all to get involved if you don't want to - it could be just like a regular night out, but with the sound of spanking in the background. 

Planet Angel, 12th September

If you like raving (techno/house/drum n bass), and you’re not an asshole, you would love Planet Angel. Planet Angel has been going for over a decade, yet remained slightly under the radar, having been set up in 1999 by a couple of friends who wanted to create something that was fun, creative and positive. They put on their first event to about 100 people and since then they have been putting on parties, relying solely on word of mouth to spread their message of friendly, inclusive hedonism and hoping that this will help them maintain and attract the right kind of people. It seems to be working.

They’ve thought about all the kinds of things that make a night out clubbing fun and special and have tried to include them, cultivating a place with no attitude, unless that attitude is about dancing and enjoying yourself. So, they have rooms pumping all sorts of music you would want to rave to – psy-trance, techno, house, trance, drum n bass, and on top of this, they have chill out areas where you can play around with some plasticine, meddle with some lego, or even have a recreational moment of Connect Four, Tic Tac Toe or Jenga (all giant versions of course). 

So. Much. Lego.

Planet Angel also want to look after you, to be sure you have the best night you can have. Flagging a little and need something to perk you up? Why not have one of their herbal teas, or get a toastie in their little kitchen? Or you can simply wait until 2 am when they have stewards wending through the crowd handing out refreshing grapes and berries (at 2 am after some hard dancing, trust me, a grape never tasted so good). 

They also had, at the one I went to (at Fire), some fun touches in and amongst the dancing – someone was drawing a mural of the dancers on the floor in UV paint, while in another room you were invited to graffiti over a designated piece of wall, and they had massive glowing UV butterflies looming over the dance floor. And not to mention the free face painting available, and the space hoppers that suddenly appeared. 

And best of all were the lovely people dancing their assess off, chatting and playing games outside, a lot of whom had clearly been coming for years. There’s a bit of a community here, and in the alternative nightlife world in general that I have tapped into with my Meetup, and it’s welcoming and friendly and non-judgmental and I encourage anyone for whom this sounds like the ideal way of life to go to their next event and see what it’s all about.

Imaginarium, 28th September

A couple of Saturdays ago was my first time at an Imaginarium party but if they're always like the one I went to, it surely won't be my last. It was such a fun, friendly and inclusive party to be at! Imaginarium describes itself as a fetish party from outer rave space and is another one where dressing up is strongly encouraged but they're a bit more relaxed about the dress code. They want you to look good but it's not a competition and you won't be judged on how far you've gone. They realise that some costumes can cost a fortune, or that people who are interested in coming might not have the confidence to wear very extreme outfits. 

I probably fit into the former category - after spending a lot of time and effort thinking about what to wear to Torture Garden a couple of weeks before, an outfit for Imaginarium was a bit of an afterthought and I had to throw something together from what I had. My outfit had a tenuous relation to the Japanese theme at best but I still felt like I somewhat looked the part once we got there. Some of the outfits were absolutely stunning but only official photographers were allowed to take pictures so you will have to check out their Facebook page for those. 

The night was held at Union, normally a gay club in the gay clubbing mecca that is Vauxhall. Nowhere was this more evident than in the 'Red Light Deck' play room upstairs where there were several cubicles with real-life gloryholes in them! But I digress.

We got there at a little before 12 and after getting a drink had a wander. There were only two rooms - the front was purely for dancing, and the back, which opened at midnight was for more dancing but also had some performers as well. I think I missed most of these apart from some light-sabre type baton twirling and some glo-poi work, so engrossed was I elsewhere. Even with six hours to play with, the time seemed to fly by too quickly to do and see everything!

In keeping with the Japanese theme, quite a few of my friends were delighted to see they had installed some old-style video games for guests' delight. Much as I appreciated that, I have never been any good at video games so didn't get involved. 

Upstairs was the place to go if you were into getting dirty. When we first wandered up there, there was nothing going on, but once the place got into full swing (pun intended) it was a hive of activity. Threesomes, bondage, domination - it all seemed to happen at one point or another, and many were very happy to welcome participants into the mix, or at the very least have a chat to curious parties.

If you wanted a little more privacy then the cubicles did have doors on them and no one would take offense at not being included.

I had an absolute blast (and may have fulfilled some 'things to do' you won't find on this List!) and I thank the organisers and other guests for making it such a good night. I also really enjoyed going to a slightly smaller venue for once. It meant you bumped into the same people time and again and naturally fell into conversation with them. At the end of the night you were wishing people well as if you'd known them months not hours. And the music was a great mix of upbeat house and drum and bass that went on to the very last minute (6 am). Even the DJ was going for it on the dance floor right at the end.

If I had to make one clubnight in this vein (mix of dancing and kink) my night of choice and foresake all others then so far, Imaginarium so far would be it!

Dr Sketchy's Anti-Art School, 22nd November

This is a tale of how NOT to do a Dr. Sketchy. 

First of all, if it’s happening at the Royal Vauxhall Tavern, like it did last night, don’t turn up early expecting to have a few drinks beforehand. The RVT as it is often known, is not a regular pub, open all day and hosting the occasional event. It is a venue ONLY open for events. Doors open whenever your event says the doors open, not before. 

Secondly, even if it seems logical to sit at the back because there’s a large group of you and this area will accommodate everyone sitting together, don’t. Even though the RVT isn’t massive, it is big enough for the stage to feel quite far away. Not conducive to getting any facial details down, especially when you've had a few and everything looks a bit fuzzy anyway. Also, there are a few poles dotted around, and from where I was sitting they tended to block out at least a third of our subjects when they were posed. 

Thirdly, take something to lean on! In my head I pictured us all sitting in the round with our subject in the middle, possibly wearing white smocks and berets, and with easels provided. This was a romantic notion purely based on sitcoms I have watched where a character takes an art class. In reality, it’s taking place in a pub, where there are lots of you and no room for easels. You are provided with some paper, some drawing materials and that’s it. Actually, there were a few boards available, but not enough for everyone. 

Fourthly, don’t pick a hard-leaded pencil. Soft leads or chalk are much more forgiving and instantly make your works of art look much more like works of art. Smudges look professional and it is much easier to shade in large areas. I had an HB which, when Dusty was going around assessing our works, barely showed up in the dimly lit room. Not good. 

Fifthly, probably better to drink more early on, than having a few throughout and then at the end practically downing two mini bottles of wine. That’s a good rule for a night out in general I find. 

If you get these things right then you can just sit back, relax and enjoy the show. Or rather, sit up, pay attention, get drawing and enjoy the show. For there is a bit of a show element. Your host for the evening is Dusty Limits, a man whose reputation precedes him, in my case anyway, as I am always seeing his name mentioned in conjunction with cabaret nights and burlesque. He actually directed the phenomenal Prospero's Tavern that I saw by the Boom Boom Club. He is a consummate host and more than a little pleasing on the eye as you can see from my uncanny likeness of him here. 

He starts things off by getting people ‘warmed up’ for drawing and explains that it’s not about ability, it’s about doing things your way. We have a scribble to get out any aggression and to just break the daunting first time you put pencil to blank paper. Then there’s an exercise where you have to draw without looking at the paper (see above for how well this comes out). Then the first subject comes on. But she doesn’t just come on and assume a pose. She does a bit of an act first, in the guise, in this instance, of a mega-Rolf Harris fan (although, who isn’t one really - Jake The Peg - classic!), which involved a parody of “Part of Your World” from the Little Mermaid. It culminated in her stripping of her anorak and Rolf Harris t-shirt to reveal two little Rolf-heads covering her nips. She wasn’t the best singer in the world, but she’s got good comedy timing, the song was funny and it’s always nice to see some tits. 

Then it’s time to draw – first two minutes getting a feel for her (FOR her, not OF her). Then a different pose, and a “theme” to encompass into the drawing. This time “wind storm”. Then another five minute drawing, which I liked the most, where you start drawing Frankie von Flirter, our muse, and then Dusty starts telling you things you need to add to your scene – like killer bees, turning the setting into a jazz/poetry night, a tyrannosaurs rex is attacking her! And then she has to contend with Hilary Clinton! Sadly I seem to have misplaced most of my drawings from the night so I can't share the masterpiece I created with this scene. I may not have won any chocolate coins or tiny snowmen but I was still proud of it.

You see, what I didn’t realise before I went was that there is an element of competition involved. After every round Dusty comes over and judges you, sorry, I mean judges your composition and you may get a reward if you’re sufficiently good, or sufficiently atrocious. I like to think I’m somewhere in the middle and this is probably why I got bubkus the whole night. At the end of the evening you can submit your best/worst work for a chance to win a grand prize, which I think was some sweets and maybe, a diary. Big prizes folks!

There wasn't just Frankie, there was a little eye-candy for the girls (and guys of a certain persuasion) apart from the luscious Dusty. For the second act we had a model who was dressed as a sailor. This guy was a little hard to draw as he kept moving around. That's my excuse for the below, anyway.

Also, he didn't get one single piece of kit off, despite us loudly hinting that he should. Disappointing. But Dusty promised that there would be some man stripping in the next half. We waited eagerly.

After another round of drinks out came a man-pilot strutting to Highway to the Danger Zone! But... wait a minute. "He" looks a little slight and his mustache isn't convincing. No, it's miss Frankie again! She does another striptease, this time to "Take my Breasts Away", and very funny it is again too so despite my dismay at not seeing any man-abs, I'm enjoying it anyway.

Dr Sketchy is a really fun night. I would strongly encourage drinking, as does Dusty, and not worrying about how well you can draw. Of course, if you do have talent then it is still going along because drawing is the name of the game for this night. They just don't let it detract or spoil the fun. 

Area, 2nd March

Did you know Area is a gay club? Actually we did, but thanks for checking. Repeatedly.

We'd finished our meal at Dans le Noir and headed into the night to Soho. It was 11:30 pm by this time, and our options of places to go, without paying a cover charge, were diminishing. After the obligatory wandering around and wasting even more time, we went to G-A-Y late. What a mistake that was. I was with one of my best friends from home, who is gay, and his boyfriend, and the cheesiness on offer in this place was even too much for them. Add to that an appalling sound system and some clientele who had seen better days (I hope), it didn't make for a happening place to be. After one drink we ditched and got a cab to Area.

Our cabbie was pretty friendly but hadn't heard of Area. We explained where it was and he told us it sounded like it was where 'all those gay bars were'. Yes, we nodded, smirking, chances are it was there! He dropped us at the start of this gay area (perhaps not wanting to spend too much time there) and we walked up to Area. Area is next door to/part of Fire, another club that I haven't yet been to. We were pretty sure we were in the right place when we saw the seven foot black guy replete with what looked like plastic orange flames on his head, massive spiral boobs and a gimp mask. We got in the queue which consisted of just us while the door staff made completely sure that we were aware we were about to enter a gay bar. They singled Stephen out particularly and asked him at least twice if he knew it was a gay place and if he was ok with it. I eventually had to show them the stamp on my hand from G-A-Y Late to prove to him we were cool with it! Considering the Vauxhall gay clubbing scene isn't exactly a place you can stumble on, we thought all this double checking was a little over the top.

Love a bit of podium action

And so we were in. Area is massive. There were three different rooms of music, two of which have a bar, plus an area at the back with a stained glass window, which was mostly empty apart from a couple of guys canoodling. Actually, this was the problem with the place - for such a large venue, there weren't enough people in it! My favourite room was the one playing house complete with live bongo drummer, but very few people were dancing in this one, which meant I sacrificed it in favour of the other rooms where the atmosphere was better. The second largest room was playing cheesyish commercial pop and rnb, and the third and largest room was playing straightforward house music. While the cheesy room started off as the most popular, it was the largest room which ended up having the most people in it. Well, it is where the podiums are and they're always a crowd-pleaser. We flitted in and out of the two bigger rooms for most of the night, though when the music in the second room started to get recycled and L-U-V Madonna came on for the second time, we spent the majority of the time in the third room. Towards the end of the night, they closed down the other rooms and shepherd you all into this one anyway.

I don't really mind whether a club is gay or straight as long as I like the music it is playing and it has a good atmosphere. I felt like Area had potential, but was just too empty. Maybe Saturday night it runs full strength. Music-wise, I was happy to dance but it didn't get right down into my stomach and make me want to jig with abandon. Considering it's so out of the way as well, I don't think I'll be heading back in a rush.